Wednesday, 17 December 2014

Some favourite jokes

(Yeah, For Richer, For Poorer is out in five days. Go buy it.)

I thought I'd share some of my favourite jokes. Caution: some of them may not be entirely suitable for children. Even the fart joke, but only because they simply won't get it.

My favourite fart joke:

It was Great-Grandma's 100th birthday, so all her descendants threw her a big party. They wheeled Great-Grandma into the room so everyone could wish her well and have a great time.

One of her grandsons noticed she was leaning over a bit in her wheelchair. "Here, Grandma. Let me help you." So he propped her up with a pillow.

A few minutes later a granddaughter noticed she was leaning the other way. "Let me help you," she said as she propped her up with another pillow.

Several minutes later a great-grandchild comes up to her and says, "So, how are you enjoying the party, Grandma?"

"It's terrible!" she replied. "Nobody will let me break wind."

My favourite gay joke:

A son comes home from university for the holidays with a big announcement. He finds his mother in the kitchen, working on Christmas dinner. "I have something to tell you." He hesitates. "I'm gay."

His mother, stirring a big pot of potatoes, doesn't say anything. 

"Um, Mom, did you hear me?"

She draw a deep breath. "I heard you, son." But says nothing more.

"So...?"

But his mom keeps stirring those potatoes. Eventually, she says, "So this means you like men?"

"Yeah."

"So, you sleep with them, right?"

The son squirms. "Uh, yeah."

She keeps stirring those potatoes. "So you suck on their dicks then?"

"MOM!"

"Just answer the question."

The son hangs his head. "Yes," he mutters.

His mother takes her stirring spoon out of her pot and whacks him upside the head. "I know what that tastes like. Don't you ever complain about my cooking again!"

My favourite postman joke:

It was Barry the Postman's last day on the job before he retired. As he did his final rounds, grateful folk gave him cards and gifts to celebrate his retirement.

At one home the lovely young housewife invited him inside, took him upstairs and gave him the best sex of his life. Then she brought him downstairs and fed him the most amazing breakfast--waffles with strawberries and whipped cream. 

As Barry the Postman was finishing up, he noticed a dollar under the coffee cup. "What's this for?"

"Well," replied the housewife, "when I told my husband you were retiring and I wanted to do something nice for you, he said, 'Screw him. Give him a buck.' Breakfast was my idea."

My favourite lightbulb joke:

How many humans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 
Two, but they have to be really, really small.

My favourite chicken-crossing-road series:

Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the whale cross the road? 
To get to the other tide.

Why did the frog cross the road?
He was stapled to the chicken.


____________________________
Her Grace loves a good joke.  What are some of your favourites?

1 comment:

Her Grace, the Duchess of Kneale said...

Ooh, forgot my favourite feminist joke:


"Two women walk into a bar and discuss the Bechdel test."